He was saying it again, in that same tone “You are a woman, aren’t you? You should know how to...” i drifted, i shut him out thats what i always did when he begins to nag, and it gets him really pissed. I knew it was coming though but i didn’t want to stop it, i needed a good reason to cry. The sound of the slap was what made tears fall down my cheeks, the pain came later. The sharp sting, the sore on my gum, i was used to it. “i have warned you to stop ignoring me i haven’t i? ” he barked. I stood there like a statue, what was it he was complainimg about again, i had already forgotten. My eyes went to the tray of food on the table, it was properly served. Oh! It was the glass of water, i didn’t serve it with a tray, i just dropped it on the table. He always wanted things to be done properly. I went into the kitchen and brought the small tray i use in serving him water. I didn’t bother wiping the tears on my cheek not because i wanted him to feel remorse like i used to do when the beating newly started but because i was to weak to bother. I placed the glass of water on the tray and left to the balcony. The fresh air dried my tears and my sweat. My cheek still hurt from the slap, but the pain was numb, like my cheek was too tortured to feel pain. I hated him so much, thinking of it hurt my belly. I hated my husband, the thought that he was my husband was sickening. He wasn’t the kind of man i dreamt of when i was a kid, he is everything i didn’t want in a man. i deserved him didn’t i? I was a mess, who can put up with a bad person like me atleast he buys me cigarette and allows me to smoke. I lit the last cigarette i had, and drew it like i was going to die if i didn’t draw enough. The smell alone was enough to console me. I was sad that it was my last stick. He walked in and snatched the cigarette from me and gave me a glass of spirit to drink. I drank it, i hate spirit but i always have to do what he wants me to do. The hotness burnt my throat. He sat on the floor and stared into my eyes “i own you, everything about you belongs to me. Your eyes, your nose, your breast. He grabbed my breast with one hand and pushed my head closer with his other hand and kissed me. His lips tasted like egusi soup, it disgusted me, not that i hate egusi soup, i just like tasting it on someones lips especially the man i hate. He kept squeezing my boobs. “Remove your dress” he said as he removed his trouser, his penis bounced out and stared at me. As a teenager i was obsessed with pornography, i even knew the names of porn stars but i had never seen a dick as big as my husband’s own, it was scary and uncircumcised. He dragged my legs and thrusted into my dry vagina, he thrusted thrice and got frustrated. My vagina was too dry, he wasn’t enjoying it “why are you not wet?” He asked me. I didn’t answer. He poured the remaining spirit on my vagina as a lubricant and thrusted into me, it was soooo painful, the hot drink stung my bruised vagina, i couldnt complain, i couldn’t cry, i just kept quiet while my heart bled. Could this be classified as rape, i thought. I never loved Him, from the first day i saw him i had always hated his annoyingly big feet and the way his face squeezed when he laughed. But i married him anyway. I am like that. Impulsive and reckless. Poverty made me so. Poverty made me marry a man i hated, a man that made me a slave and treated me like a whore. At first it wasn’t this bad, he refused to let me work, he pumped me with drugs and drinks. I smoked everything from weed to skunk. He knew he was killing me with the drugs but he wanted me to be like that useless and hopeless.He wanted to control me, to own me and i didn’t fight him. Like my mother i obeyed my husband , just like she did, i bore it all. She always told me that women were born to suffer and obey their husbands. I obeyed my mother. I did all he said i should do, i drank, I smoked, i swept, i cooked, i cleaned, i washed and i did my duty in bed. I always tried not to make any mistakes but anytime i did i accepted my punishment in good faith. But there is one thing i never did right . i never loved him, i always hated him, even when i tried to love him, i just couldn’t find it in my heart.
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